You see someone you shared so much with, whether on Facebook, twitter, Instagram, and you compare that to what you are now. It doesn’t mean you miss the person, or want to get back together to that period of time, but you wonder what you’ve missed and who has replaced you, and who has replaced him.
Being together meant you had chemistry. And it’s just not ideal that that chemistry had to die along with everything else. Finding someone you connect with, and having to make that choice to lose him because of a variety of other reasons, makes it that much harder to look at now.
People that say they just want the other to be happy are in the second stage. The first stage is when you hope they suffer miserably without you, whether or not you were the one that ended things.
The second stage is when you hope he is happy or content with whatever is in his life now.
And the third stage is of course apathy.
I’d say I’m not gonna reach the third stage. I forget many things, but I don’t want to forget what we were and how we were. Because of that, I will always feel. Especially when I see pictures of you. So maybe I’m in stage 2.5. Most of the time, I don’t think about you at all, but when I do, I hope you’re happy and doing well. Sometimes I revert to the first stage, of course. I would hope you are suffering for all the absolutely rotten things you did to me, and then I cringe inside to think how I continued.
How am I to describe what we were, when this one phrase of ‘what we were’ doesn’t even begin to encompass it right? Is it ‘what we are’ as well? ‘Our history’? ‘Our history and our future?’ How can there be a future when our paths shouldn’t cross again? See, I can’t even get this straight.
We were secret, but we were not. I thought we were sacred, but you were not. I thought I would never walk away, but I did. I thought I was different, but now I see my replacement. I thought we were alike, but we weren’t in the areas that mattered. We should have worked out, but I got sick of trying. That should be our catchphrase: ‘I got sick of trying.’
Now it’s just ‘I thought’, but nope! Even now, hindsight is not perfect. It’s been what, close to two years? I would say I’m still not ready for someone else, in the way we were. Where I’d really put deep feelings into something for a long period of time.
Instead of solving it (oh how simple it sounds), I walked away and we stopped moving together. Well, we are already moving toward very different directions, but perhaps that was a more marked turn in the road. Just like some drama on TV, but isn’t TV just some replicated form of relationships between parties?
Isn’t everyone just some replacement for someone else, then? Replacement of your dad, replacement of your first (someone), and all the way down. Maybe back to the first thing. Or maybe different people replace different aspects of the person you were with. Or one person replaces a few others.
Fluctuating between all the 3 stages now. Hoping you’re suffering and realising you were WRONG in your ideas of trust and love, but wanting to know you’re alright because I once cared so much for you, and then thinking, let it go. It doesn’t matter anymore. It once meant maybe everything to me, like the frog in the well, but now I know better than to put my life and emotions on the line for one person that isn’t all that amazing. He will die, just like I will. Flaws, too numerous I don’t know if I can remember all of it. Some aspects were lovely, of course, but nothing immortal.
I don’t need to care anymore, and most of the time, I don’t. Seeing your photo though, is like, injuring yourself. You don’t notice much at first, but if you bring it up to mind and inspect it, maybe squish and prod it a little, more blood/memories spill out. After that, even when the memories stop, it tingles and hurts more, now that your attention is on it. You just watch the blood flow, you think of what you went through with him and you want to prod and dig more. It’s not the best for you to go through these memories, (or lose more blood, really) but some perverse detachment says, go on, we’re just getting started. You’re supposed to be detached but you’re not. If we let ourselves do this and go through this self-examination once in a long while, we will be alright.
Then another part of you goes. Ha. You wish it’s that easy. If something or someone can affect you like this, even though it’s ‘once in a long while’, they mean something and it’s not going to be alright. All right - no, I don’t think anyone is all right since, or maybe before they were born.
Still, it is the best that one could hope for. There’s not much to gain or much point in writing this, really. I think I feel deeper than you do, because I felt deeper than you did, for all the words you expressed. ‘You won’t forget someone you loved’ - yeah, so what is love? Am I supposed to live with these periodical jumbled up feelings about you the rest of my life?
At least I know that I don’t want you back. That is definite. So how can it be that I still feel these things?